What have you forgotten today?
What did you screw up? Either today, yesterday, last week, 10 years ago?
It's a valid question, and one you need to contemplate now and again. Through reflection comes knowledge. Knowledge of what NOT to do again, what works, what doesn't, what did you do in a past life (age or stage of life) that still affects you to this day?
Who have you hurt? Other than yourself? A question you should seriously consider. There are far too many people who only think of themselves when mistakes are made, with the belief of "it's MY life, all I'm concerned with is me!" - Sad, really. (And if you can't figure out why "Sad", you need to pull your head out of your ass!)
I've made plenty of mistakes... Devil's in the name as nowhere will you find a Halo or set of pearly white wings (unless they're stolen!)
I've made small mistakes, which turn out to be big deals in the long run, and I've made Major (like, life altering) mistakes that haunt me to this day (and probably will for the remainder of my days).
I have a way to disconnect myself from people. I've explained this previously, so I won't bore you with the details, however, this ability extends on to those I care for the most (almost seems an oxymoron, but hang with me). It's something I am well aware of, and I am at a loss as to how to tame it. I've attempted to fain concern and caring. I've tried to force myself to hurt, miss or want their company. At the end of the day, without even trying to justify, I simply feel hollow and without concern.
I do know and feel responsibility towards a few to do whatever I can for them, be there for them, etc. Even if they don't want me to. I am still struggling with this, this 'thing' I used to call a blessing, whatever it is. Maybe, somewhere in there is a heart. The Mrs. knows it's there, so does Izzy, they're just making me work to find it by not showing me where the hell it is ;)
Life has been a roller coaster. To the point of near madness. Some of it has been simply the course of what I needed to do at the time (family, circumstance, simply trying to survive), the rest has been constant flux and fallout from decisions and mistakes I was either making at the time, or had made previously.
I still pay (literally and figuratively) for many of those mistakes to this day.
I am trying, even though, for the most part, it feels futile. I have finally reached a point where, I think, I can achieve some long term goals (and help some loved ones out in the process).
3 years: Have ALL debts repaid, and current loans paid (cars, etc) in full.
5 years: New House, Vacation
10 years: House paid off (it'll be tough, but by this point, following the budget set forth for the 3/5yr marks, should be attainable)
I have been debt free only once in my life (post 18). I still remember the feeling, though a bit hazy.
It's going to take a lot of work, many o' hours away from the family and a lot of planning, discipline and attention to the details. But I'm finally ready, I think, to pull my head out of my ass and do it.
To those that have sat, disappointed and frustrated, by my arrogance, ignorance and narrow mindedness: I am truly, deeply, sorry. For those of you who don't know me, or what the hell I'm talking about: GTFOuttaMyWay! ;)
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